kate's Journal

what a horrible feeling. i didnt know that an identity crisis could be this painful, but i suppose mix a little unrequited love in there and anything can hurt like a fucking bitch.
i just feel very, isolated and alone.
i feel very
unwanted.
undesired.
unsought.
unwished.
unwelcomed.
unacceptable.

it's hard, ya know, to go back on everything you've ever thought about yourself. to change your mind on the fundamentals of who you are as a human being, or atleast who you thought you were. it kind of, sucks. it kind of leaves you stranded in the middle of no where, unsure exactly of what the hell you even want in life, let alone who you are. maybe these things only plague someone like me, or maybe it's a universal theme of adolescence, either way i'm not exactly sure what to do with myself.

in the simpliest terms, here goes..

once upon a time, i was the same girl in the same position. i was young and naive and isolated and unsure of myself, but it was puberty so i was allowed to. i was angsty and sad and cutting myself and writting really horrible poetry just like any other 13 or 14 year old girl in the world. woe is me. woe is me. then i grew up. i got over myself. i stopped being trapped in my own little pool of negativity. i started having fun, started meeting new people, started being a teenager.
everywhere around me all of my pretty little girl friends were finding lots of boys to lust after, and make out with and write notes to in the hallways of school. i, on the other hand, an ugly little chubby girl..the tag-a-long friend, was yearing for the same attention. while they were holding in hands in the hallways with their lovely new boooyyfriiiends, i was making out in dark alleyways with i people i barely new to get the same fucking feeling. just like everyone else i was coming into myself. figuring out that tingly feeling meant sex, learning to flirt, wanting someone to care. but unlike everyone else, no one was looking my way, no matter how dramatic my emotional tempertantrums were. one day at a party i met a boy. he wasn't exactly cute, but he wasn't ugly either. he was fierce and man-like, and drank jack daniels and smoked marlboro reds. he started talking to me, and for once in my entire life i felt what it was like to have the spot-light. i stuttered underneath it, as drama was never really my thing, but i was suprised at how warm it felt to have someone looking back. i should have none from the start it was trouble, and it was, of course trouble. i ended up losing my viriginity to him on his brothers bed, all of 30 seconds. 10 minutes later he's driving me home so he can go hang out with some other girl. the very next day, he ignores me. i don't regret, it was an experince worth having, but that doesn't mean it didn't sting like all fucking hell. i swallowed it down with some more alcohol, put a band-aid over it, and considered myself good to go. besides, i was looking to lose that whole virginity thing soon enough anyway. the following months are what i like to consider my slutty times. it involved me showing up at parties, getting pretty drunk and hooking up with whatever random other drunk guy was there and willing. it made me feel special and desired while it happened, but it didn't take long for me to realize that these guys, just like the first, weren't going to want to be around me the next day either. it became quite the pattern for me, a bitter slut, but it gave me a purpose, and when you get fucked up that often, you don't really take time to think about the consequences.
then she came along.
the girl who changed it all.
i still remember the date, november 9th.
she asked me to hang out, and at the moment i was probably aching from some empty guy or another, so i said, sure why not? were friends right? we dont hang out enough.
big mistake.
but then again, mistakes make life more interesting.
it started out innocently enough i suppose. well, no, of course not innocently, we had sex the first day, i'm a dirty little slut. but it was very nice for a while. for the first time ever, someone wanted to be around me the next day. someone was whispering pretty things in my ears, someone was telling me that they loved me, and wanted to be with me. i didn't care that i was a girl, a person in a person afterall, besides the sex was good, and it lasted longer than 30 seconds. it was slightly awkward at first, but i learned to deal. of course i fell, and i fell pretty fucking hard. i had years and years of loneliess and isolation weighing me down. it felt so good to be caught..
until i was dropped.
yes, i was dropped, of course i was. she had a boyfriend the entire time. i was only her side piece, and i guess all my years of neediness weighed her down a bit too much, so when pressure got too much, she choose him over me. i probably would have done the same thing.
it was the worst thing i've ever felt, and i've felt a lot.
and just like they say time heals shit. healed. and at this very moment i think it's safe to say that i'm over it.
well, after that whole..thing, i just assumed i was a lesbian. i fell in love with a girl right? we had sex, we enjoyed it. that means i'm gay, right?
okay, so i'm gay. most of my friends know by now, i get to be the token lesbian, perpetually single due to the lack of other ya know, lesbians in the area. my singeldom finally had an excuse. it made sense, i felt validated in my own weird way. there was a girl or two here and there, but nothing serious, nothing since her.
and then..
time goes on..
and i start to think..
maybe..
i'm not.
and bam. all that time i had taken, looking at websites, reading books, writting and thinking and building up confidence and validating myself all just melted away. i'm still trying to figure out what exactly of myself is left after the gay has gone, but picking up the pieces of my being feels like picking up shards of glass.
i got this stupid crush, on the first boy i saw. everything about him was typical, and i loved it, it made me feel like a female. of course this boy turns out to have a crush on one of my friends, thus shattering my straight dreams and all the hope that i had held of being a somewhat normal girl. i know me and him really had nothing in common, it wasnt even necessarily about him, it was about what he represented. but being through into this straight world is making me feel like a 12 year old girl again. now all the sudden, i have an entire nother sex's opinions to not only worry about, but to practically base life upon. i don't even know much about them, they are like foreign fucking creatures, and now all the sudden i care what they think. oh dear. what the fuck am i going to do with myself?

flash back to sitting in bio 2 today learning about echinoderms and how their exoskeletons don't grow with them, so when they outgrow them they have to shed their outter coverings and regrow a new one. it's called molting, and while they are molting they are extremely sensitive and vulnerable to predators, because their bodies are soft. they've lost their shells.
that's exactly how i feel right now.
sensitive.
vulnerable.
and everytime i turn around it feels like something else stabbing me.

i know that, this too will pass. things will always pass, and i've gotten through a lot of painful shit in my life, with the method of holding on and waiting for it to just, got away. cigarettes. coffee. sleepless nights. being antisocial and moping. whatever coping methods work, by all means necessary. you just hold on, and eventually it passes. i know i can get through this, of course i can, it's just a matter of time and pain and, it will fade.
but what's at the end of this fucking rainbow?
who the hell am i going to be when this all passes?
it seems everytime you've got something all figured out, you either change your mind or get it changed for you.
someone is always shaking you up. shit always hits the fan.
its the mistakes that make life more interesting.